CLIFF NOTE/CHRONICLE FROM JULY 2007:
There once was this little man with French cuffs and a large jacket collection. We met over sushi and took a walk on the Mile. Unfortunately this little man had an intensity problem and after 3 nervous dates, the little man booked hotels and planned a weekend away. I couldn’t imagine two full days and nights in his company. He stared at me like he was going to eat me for dinner, it made me nervous. He constantly name dropped and called all his friends girly nicknames (Glenny, Stevie, Dougie), don’t even think of calling me Jenny! He also referred to himself as “sock”, only one can imagine. We all have features which we like about ourselves, but we don’t continually bring them up in common conversation – “I have a hot ass” was his favorite – we also don’t continually text message or email my dates. Well, maybe in the past, but we’re also stable now. He followed many of our psycho traits by making us a CD. So what if we don’t cook, get used to it, we’re not the housewife type and enough with the “gazpacho” and the other fricking Italian named fish dish you raved about, it wasn’t that good, and it made you sound gay when you talked about it.
This little man is, however, a fantastic skier. Unfortunately, he also wears his suspenders with his pants (orange, brown and blue plaid) which pull them up to his arm pits. Hey buddy, go get them hemmed, its way more comfortable and NORMAL looking, my dad wears suspenders! Who cares about the motorbikes you built, we’re not into crouch-rockets. If we plan to head to a small ski town to visit a friend, please don’t follow me and ask if we’d like to drive down with you, its creepy and freaks most people out. So little man has an 18” bike, whoop-dee-fucking-do, I know lots of people who do, but they’re six feet tall. If you’re going to get your bike sized, great, just do it, we don’t wajt to hear about it or get a commentated story as you drive to Bow Cycle. You need your stem shortened…so grow some arms, little man. Its for your 1998 Kona too, the fork has 3” of travel, perhaps you should have training wheels too and an orange flag on the back. And as for thinking spandex is great for biking, sure, it’s fine if it’s UNDER your other bike clothes. Spandex is not hot, no one needs to see your “hot & amazing ass” in them. As for biting your nails, I have a remedy…it’s called little man therapy!
He has $, can’t buy happiness, can’t buy sanity, well, maybe the drugs for it. The final straw (at last!) was his “Status” on Facebook that totally freaked me out – he said he was in a relationship & when inquired, he said he was referring to a relationship with yours truly!
OK, HERE’S THE KICKER!! As it turns out, my brother does know this guy, says he’s so intense he’s like a motivational speaker.
And he knows about the whole “sock” thing – it happened at a business conference where Mr Intensity took off all his clothes, got on stage and flexed his muscles for the crowd of his business associates! He gave himself the nickname too. My brother is happy that I experienced all this for myself and that he wasn’t going to have to be the bearer of “this guys a total loser”. Whatever, Steve could have told me prior to the three dates and saved me this grief! I can never get that time back!
TEXT TO MY BROTHER (March 4, 2009):
Remember that Duncan Anderson Douche Bag?! He just pulled into the parking spot beside me at Safeway! If I didn't need breakfast food so badly, I would have left. He totally checked me out too, only because I'm wearing my ski clothes (was coaching tonight) and that probably caught his douche bag eye. Now I'm trying to dodge him in Safeway, he's in the vegetable aisle. I need bread, so that's safe. But now I need granola bars and everytime I quickly walk past the aisle, the douche bag is still standing by the granola bars. AAARRRGGGHHH! I made sure he went to the check out after me, but I just had to run back to my car! Oh, and I know he's totally gay too, cause he drives a Honda Element!!
